GOAL: DISCERN

You're Not the Asshole, It's not Hard to be Nice

We give a lot of leeway to abusers when we know they've had a sad history, or when they're having a bad day.

Let's be understanding of where they might have come from, but let's not condone the behavior itself. Their partner may have left them, they may have just received a diagnosis for cancer, they may be on the verge of bankruptcy, but none of that is a valid excuse to yell at a family member or be rude to subordinates.

When a person shows you their true colors, believe them. Especially if there's a power imbalance where they're dominant - like your parent, or your boss, or your partner.

Give them the 3 Strikes Rule: First strike is an event. The second is coincidence. The third is a pattern. And a pattern won't change without self-awareness or remorse.

When your parent breaks a promise, take note. When your coworker humiliates another coworker, take note. When your partner cheats on you for the first time, take note. Three strikes, and it's a pattern that will stay.

Being a good person is actually a very low bar.

Is it difficult to speak respectfully to staff helping you? Is it hard to keep not-so-nice comments to yourself? Is it too much to admit, "yeah, sorry, that wasn't cool. I'll try to pay attention and not do that in the future"? Is it impossible to follow through with such an admission and promise?

If someone doesn't meet that low, low bar of being a good person, maybe they're not a good person, and you shouldn't expect much from them.

What's more, don't blame yourself for their behavior. You're not the asshole here. It may take 2 to tango, but always remember: it's not that hard to be nice.

Exercise

SELF-DISCOVERY

1. What is a "good" person's behavior like?


2. What is a "bad" person's behavior like?


3. Is there more to a person than their behaviors, or does behavior define character?